Friday, September 22, 2006
Where have they all gone?
I feel so lonely at times.Was having my lunch yesterday alone, and treading through the innate barren lands of cynicism. And I questioned myself, why can't just eat as much as I want and not think about getting fat. Like why can't I just bloody enjoy the moment.
It's just like, why can't I just forget the pessimism and just enjoy the moment; embrace love, and fill the void that's been present ever since. These days I find it hard to carve out an identity for myself; something I can stand back and examine. But how can I, when I don't even understand myself, nor know what's driving all these vehement thoughts and actions. I still stick firmly to my life philosophy that there is no greater force harder to control or expect then from ourselves - that is, our own actions. We determine our own fate, and paint our lives chapters by chapters as our decisions guide them.
But how do you paint, or draw, or write, when you don't even know what are the words coming out, or how the picture will be turning out to be?
Experience sucks, and once you've sunken into this cesspool you just can't throw in the towel and say, 'That's it'. Because the problem is that there is seemingly no end to this manure you've stepped on. The bitter taste of life sucks because once you've tasted it, you can never forget it. Because life, as Schopenhauer puts so well in his essay, 'On the Suffering of the World', gets painful because we always remember the bad experiences, and let the good ones pass by.
Do I still remember the first time I got myself a scholarship; walked up the stage, shook the Prime Minister's hands and took my prize money? No.
Do I still remember the sweet taste of victory when I got through my Heats during Nationals? Yes, but only because I've gone through so much suffering and pain to get to that stage, and that's why it's memorable.
Joy is passive, but pain isn't. It jerks your soul like a fucking flicking cork, and before you know it, your heart bleeds and you cannot do anything else but stand at the bottom, and hold it all on your shoulders. Because you know nobody's there to care, nor help you heal. Nobody at all, but yourself.
I'm having a terrible existential dilemma, because I don't know what constitute me, and myself. I'm so terribly frightened at the thought of me, as I know of, being driven by my unconscious. And does anyone have any idea how scary it is, to know that a large part of your 'rational decision making process' isn't that rational nor controlled afterall? And before you can resolve this crisis, strata and strata of shit just piles on top of your head.
With such an intricately woven web of life, how can one truly enjoy a moment? Till I learn how to crawl my way out of this, I will always be the person I never think I am.
posted@11:59 AM